Thursday, April 19, 2007

Wow that was bad

Last Friday (the 13th) (I know, bad blogger posting six days afterwards...) we hosted a few friends to see two of the worst movies ever produced, Tarzan the Ape Man, and Bolero, both starring Bo Derek's beautiful perky 36 C cup breasts. Man alive she has (OK, had in the 80's) very pretty breasts. Too bad they starred in these movies with a woman that cannot act, directed by their owner's husband who cannot direct, and written by their owner's husband who cannot write. Apparently they were so outraged by the debacle that they attempted to flee frequently only to be thwarted by pectoralis muscles holding them fast to Bo. Poor pretty breasts.

So to give you an idea of just how bad these movies are I will list a few problems we saw.
  1. Crap moving in and out of the frame in front of actors speaking.
  2. Dialog that would never be spoken by rational adults.
  3. The guy who played Pygar the ornithanthrope from Barbarella who still can't act his way out of a robin's nest.
  4. Richard Harris screams 86% of his lines.
  5. Naked Bo gets painted white by several naked native girls and you really don't care. (How they achieved this feat is still a mystery to me.)
  6. Bo gets more time rolling around topless with an orangutan than with Tarzan WHO IS IN THE SAME SCENE!
  7. Continuity breaks by the wheelbarrow. e.g. the amazing growing loin cloth
  8. Costumes in a turn-of-the-century period piece that are actually from the 1980's, and look like it, right down to the belted pantsuit.
  9. Concept: You can overcome trauma from getting gored by a bull that makes you impotent by having your ersatz girlfriend give you the thumbs up sign.
  10. Concept: It is possible to SUDDENLY fall fast asleep while in the midst of active, sweaty foreplay (involving honey) with a VERY horny 20 year old woman who is naked.
  11. Concept: Even if you were born and raised in England, you have an American accent, or a nonspecific Arabian accent, and nobody notices, EVEN if you have an Arabian accent, look, name, and character, and you pronounce the word Sheik; "SHAKE".
  12. George Kennedy looking as if he was saying, "And I was in Guns of Navronne!"
Seriously, these were the worst bad movies EVER. If you want to impress your friends with how bad a movie you can pick, pick Bolero.