Friday, March 18, 2005

Shaken, Not Stirred

OK, got the martini and I'm ready to start writin...

Just because that philandering MI5 agent Bond dude has them shaken, doesn't mean you can't have'm that way. Dude; I do, and I'm not suffering at all.

Start with a martini glass. If you don't have any, go get some. You'll thank me, soon. Then get a martini olive and shove that sucker right in the bottom of the glass. If you stick a plastic toothpick in it that will facilitate the trip to your lip.

Put some ice in your cocktail shaker (you get them right next to the martini glasses (there are jeweled ones on sale at Pier One!)) and then get out your little tiny bottle of vermouth. Open the bottle and drizzle a little bit on the ice so the vermouth and ice get to know each other better. Don't put in more than a sip or your martini will suck.

Open your very large bottle of the good gin you hide from your greedier guests. I use The Bombay Sapphire, just like The Manolo does. Find a shot glass and wipe that puppy clean on your tee shirt. Fill-er-up. Dump (gin) on the ice. Do that again if you weigh more than 160 or so, or if you are related to Karen Allen. The first Indiana Jones movie, remember her. Man what a cutie, especially in Animal House, even better than Alyssa Milano, unless you count that Vampire movie she made, OH MY GOD what a sight that was but not as good as Dana Delany in that other movie WOW...

Where was I?

Then close up that shaker thingy. OK, This is the hard part coming up. You might want a Power Bar, or an Orange Julius at this point. Shake that shaker until it is too cold to hold onto any more. Ice should be forming on the outside just like your windshield on that trip to Fargo that time with that guy from the Wal Mart. Then take the top off (the top of the shaker, not your top, unless that is your drinking style, in which case please give me a call beforehand, unless you are a man in which case please call someone else) and purrr the contents through the strainer gizmo over The Olive. (if you use onions or a twist of lemon don't go nuke-yoo-lar on me)

By now there should be plenty of ice crystals in the juice. This is a Good Thing. Martha you rock.

Now you have to actually drink the martini. I suggest sipping the thing down fast enough to keep the last few drops cold. Chilling the glass helps a bit but not as much as paying attention to the task at hand. Tip: Hold the stem, not the bowl. Whatever you do, start the drinking soon because it isn't getting any better as you wait.
(crap, martini just ran out)

OK, by now you will be ready to kiss pretty much anyone (other than non-spousal family members) and the people you are with will seem WAY more interesting.

If you have any feeling in your hands left you can eat the olive. (Don't poke your tongue). If you can walk you can make another martini. Get me one while you are up.

3 comments:

katya said...

Can I have mine with three olives, please?

Bob Collier said...

Three olives!? WTF You have to leave some room for the gin! Its not a salad. For you I'll make The Exception and get you three of The Olive when you come to mi casa.

katya said...

You are too kind, sir.