And as I was saying

In which we breathe life into an old paper bag that used to hold cheap Halloween candy.

Looking at the dates over there, it's been awhile since I've been here to confessional. So, and knowing full well I have used this writer's device before, let's recap.

This isn't about the news. It's about what's in my mind. Let me assure you that you, gentle reader, nor anyone else will ever fully know what's on my mind. You will know what I can put into words, and what my physical actions can say about me, but in my mind - and I suppose yours too - lives a maelstrom of thoughts so complex and intricate that they will never really come out or be fully understood. Even when I am at my most focused and eloquent, I cannot force out that much of all of the things that are happening in my mind. I have always experienced my consciousness in this way, at least as well as I can remember. I can only imagine it is the same for most everyone; science help us if I'm wrong.

So in that vein I want to try to share with you some - but certainly not all - of my thoughts. Kinda one at a time but bear with me on the thoughts that are like conjoined twins.

I started this blog in 2005 because it seemed like a cool thing to do and a friend of mine who wrote well had one. I wanted to emulate her so I started writing it on a lark. Not an actual lark; it was actually on a computer - larks fly off. I found that I really liked writing so I kept at it. Writing is creative and if you are an attention whore like I am and you are good at writing, people who like your creativity in writing give you attention.

So 10+ years along, I'm still an attention whore. I am getting better at it, which may be helpful for the planet or not. It's fun. Please leave lots of comments, which are the gold coins of attention whoredom.

Usually at this point in the post, I forget what I was writing at the top of the post. The Blogger interface has improved so I can see more of it. That's a relief. I don't understand how people can just tweet 140 characters. I'm witty, but not that witty. And I have poor memory for a lot of things like events, and dates, and chronology, and I forget what else.

Because the post to this point has no actual content, I'd better get on with actually saying something(s). Let's start with government or religion or something else light.

Like cancer. Our white cat has cancer. There's a tumor under her tongue which is mechanically interfering with the function of her tongue. If you have a cat you can probably guess how important having a tongue is to a cat. It's basically the index finger they do everything with, most importantly for her human slaves masters, bathe themselves. If your index finger was your only means of bathing and you ate by plunging your hairy face into stinky cat food, and your index finger was sprained, let's just say, you would stink. Like cat food, and drool (the doctor's report calls it "hypersalivation") that you can't lick back into your misshapen mouth. That had got stuck in your fur. And kinda dry-rotted.

No problemo, just bathe the cat yourself. Daily. Cats LOVE baths. They love them so much that during the bath they may begin to sing the songs of their people and bury their claw in your index finger. Needless to say there are towels all over our furniture so that the aroma does not embed itself in the fabric like Bernard Shaw in Baghdad.

I really like being naked. I wish it was more socially acceptable. #random

What the hell is wrong with the ultra-right faction of the GOP? Do they actually want to govern for the betterment of all of the people or are they just so mad about [insert something here] that they have just become lost in some permanent tantrum? And all of this trash talk about "taking back our country"; who the actual fuck are they taking it back from.

And religion, generally, is just fine. It gives you comfort or a sense of [insert something here]. Cool. It makes you feel good about you and your fellow humans, or maybe understand and forgive them in some way that makes sense in your mind. Wonderful.

What about all of the killing, and the "Nuh uh! You can't live like that, freak!" and "You have to obey 'my rules' that me and my friends say are 'God's law'!" What the hell are you on about people?!? I have tons of great friends who are religious and they never come and tell me that my atheist 'soul' is going to burn in Hell, or that I am somehow subhuman, or that I can't even be around them and not pray while they pray. I never hear that they are coming to kill me with Kalashnikovs. What makes some people murder and destroy civilization because of differences about creation myths, or how to pray? I must be too dense to get this.

I'm going to stop writing now so you can get on with the comments, AKA: Gold Coins of Attention Whoredom™.

My greatest gifts

In which I reflect upon the season...

It is will a sense of fulfillment and grace that I sit down with keys at my fingertips to relate to you the content of my thoughts today.  This holiday season falling fast away from us has brought me many joyous moments, most of them brief and sweet and some that have stayed with me for many days.  I only hope that my modest skill as a writer can fully convey my message of joy to you.

As I predicted in my last missive, the Dickens Fair was over in a flash, even though it was five weekends of ten-hour days.  This season went very well for me in that I was able, at last, to truly imagine what my character, Mr Brownlow, is all about.  I could wax on for paragraphs but allow me to sum it up by saying that, Brownlow is a heroic man who goes against the grain of the society that he is at the top of, in order to rescue a defenseless beggar child from a life of vice and infamy, and in doing so his actions precipitate the destruction of a criminal gang, the death of a villain, and the complete repudiation of a host of characters that have equated the boy with human garbage.

With this in mind, Brownlow came alive for me, and his righteousness fueled the passion that was needed for him to take control and effect the salvation of Oliver Twist.  The scenes that I played in came into focus and for the first time, I was able to convey Brownlow's full dignity and indignation.  From the perspective of the onlooking audience I can only assume that it was more engaging; there were more people watching in the streets and they stayed to see the whole scene.

In changing my approach to my daily routine, I made new friends at Dickens Fair this year in several serendipitous happenstances, and for that I am grateful.  At one moment, I was walking back to my backstage area and the pianist from Mad Sal's recognized me because I had spent more time there this year.  He invited me to the first annual meeting of the Mutton Chop Society which was an opportunity for a few of us fellows with mutton chops to get together for a photo.  While waiting together with my fellow Society members, we chatted and I got to know two fellows who I had only known as their characters at a great distance.  One of them is a Technical Director working on the upcoming Star Wars movies, and the other is an artist that creates those amazingly cool signs at Trader Joe's.  In both cases the work is fascinating to me.  I hope that these friendships continue to enrich my life, and on that hope I plan to invest in them.

Seemingly just moments after Dickens started, it was two weeks in and it was my birthday.  Everyone jokes with me that the best part of my birthday is the annual bare-breasted rendition of Happy Birthday sung to me by the female cast of the Naughty French Postcards cast.  I look forward to that, and it was fun, but it pales in comparison to my real birthday treat.  On the day, my children gathered at our family home and we all went to dinner as a nuclear family.  At the table we all showed each other love and respect as we shared our meal.  My family; Sharon, Jessamy, Andy, and Danny are in fact my greatest source of love and affirmation bar none.  We really do love and respect each other in a way that I have observed is not universal in families.  I cannot be more grateful for this condition and I take great pride in having played a part in bringing it about.

In another few weeks, Dickens was over again, disappearing like Brigadoon for another year.  After three sleeps, it was Christmas morning which arrived clear and quiet.  With no sense of urgency whatsoever, we gathered again as a family to rejoice and share our gifts with each other.  I got some great gifts, but once again, none of them compares to the love that I feel in the exchange of that which we picked out for each other.  For me, that moment when your loved one opens what you hope is just the right thing, is the magic of Christmas.  It is deeply satisfying even though I am a hopelessly lousy shopper.

The very next day we were joined by our dear friend Amy and her love Brian so they could spend a few days with us and accompany us across the state to our home away from home at Lake Tahoe.  We got there after a leisurely day and proceeded to clean up after the construction of a new bathroom and remodeling of the other two.  Everyone pitched in and we made a lot of progress in just a few hours.  The stay of three days was enough for us to complete all our finishing decorating, cleaning, and preparing tasks, and Amy was able to show Brian some beautiful California scenery.  Our place in Tahoe is a great pleasure to me.  We searched for so very long, found a place that was so in need, and made a wonderful transformation that is universally admired by our guests and neighbors too.  It is a very relaxing place to retreat to, even when there is work to do.

At the very close of the year, we opened our home to quite a few friends both close and casual.  It was indeed a wonderful party.  Our good friends Peggy and Michael became engaged just at Midnight, and a good time was had by all.  We sang Auld Lang Syne to remember the friends we'd said goodbye to over the year, and we even had flaming rum punch.  There were some puzzles worked, a few games played, festive beverages, and a lot of hot water.  When the last person left, it was 3:30 PM on New Year's Day.  If anyone tells you that we throw boring parties, they are pulling your leg.  We were delighted to host such a rousing crowd and it pleased me to have so much merry made.

I want to make special note of the greatest gift of all that I received this season; the love of my friends, family, and especially of Sharon.  In countless ways, she expresses her love to me. Every time I am reminded of her love, I am touched and humbled.  I don't make a big show of it, but it makes a huge difference to me every day.  I hope each and every one of you have someone that makes you feel the same way.

Thank you for reading all this way.  May the peace of this season be with you until the days grow short and the weather cold once more.

Months with wings

At times, life seems to plod along. Then it's Friday and you wonder how the week passed so quickly, or how last month passed so quickly.  The season waxes and wanes and the days grow short.  It's that weekend to change the clocks, then it's dark when the workaday merry-go-round goes silent and still.

Your birthday passes, then hers, and his, and theirs too and then it's time to get up early on the weekends, teach a class, hug everyone in sight, try to stay well and to remember your lines.  It's Dickens Fair season with a vengeance.  Popups, and sleepovers, and cues, schedules and pocket watches.  Why don't my pants fit any more?  I suppose I really do have to re-sole these shoes.

Five weekends will blow passed in an instant, as viewed from the final evening anyway.  Enjoy every minute is the mantra.  It will be nearly January of my 54th year before I see my house in sunlight again.

Life, and months fly by on wings of memories.  Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think.

I was busy

Have you had periods where you got so busy that you stopped doing things you loved and you fell into a routine of just getting by on enough rest and enough leisure to stay sane.  So did I, for about the last three months or maybe a bit more.

The busy was from work where we (the company I work for) were in the final stages of a large (16,000 square feet) and expensive (past $1,000,000) first floor renovation and facility move.  Naturally, since I am the only one capable of this at work, I got to run the whole damn project for about 18 months and I had the responsibility of designing the space as well - down to the carpet colors and the locations of all the furniture.

It was a HUGE undertaking and as it was, along with my regular duties, an enormous load.

But now we're moved in.  The punchlist is complete.  The final billing reconciliation has been approved.  There is still organizing work to be done, but it's really truly done.  And it's quite impressive.  Come by for lunch and you can have a peek.

I hope to write more.

Except there is a similar project to re-fit the upstairs of the building.  And I'm in charge of that too.

Try as hard as you can

try as hard as you can

to make what you have last a lifetime
to make the best from everything available to you
to leave behind diamonds in your wake

move mountains for the ones you love
for the right reasons
to honor yourself

live each moment in truth to yourself
in glory
in peace

spare no chance to show your love
to serve those around you
to appreciate what you have

wake every day knowing that you are loved
and wanted
and needed

go to sleep with peaceful thought
with thankfulness
with confidence

your tomorrow is made today
your life is made in the present
take the greatest care in what you make

God is a meme

As you can see from the sidebar, I'm an atheist.  I have my thoughts on religion and the practice of religious thought, and they may not be what you think.  As they say, it's complicated.

A god is, as near as I can tell, a mental construct peculiar to people.  An organizing principle.  There doesn't appear to be any testable evidence of the physical presence (reality) of any gods.  On this point, my rational mind says, "There are no existing gods of any description, nor were there at any time in the past."  Now, I fully understand that a very substantial majority of people are quite certain that not only IS/ARE there a god(s), but that the god(s) they believe to exist is/are THE god(s) and that those other people are WRONG.

I don't begrudge the religious their beliefs.  Religion brings joy and solace to many.  It is an organizing method and a way of communicating and celebrating shared values that are often positive.  I do, however see it as an unfortunate reality that so many people allow their beliefs to function as a reason to wreak psychological havoc.

The organizations of religion trouble me the most.  The concentration of moral judgement in the hands of a few people who answer to no one is a fundamental flaw, in my view, especially when these people use their moral judgements to "justify" oppression, homicide, and endless war.

This situation will continue well past my demise. I accept it, but I regret what I regard as the colossal loss to humanity.

And tonight we rest quietly

At once, my mind is filled with so many thoughts.  It's always this way.  I have a thousand things on my mind at all times (OK, maybe just like 20 in the foreground) and they all seem simultaneously important and trivial.

What would jaw surgery entail, visually?
That friend of mine has foibles, but I ignore the foibles.
I need to start this project - where is the pattern?
I saw many friends today, I wish I was closer to them.
The children I know all seem to be growing up, but unevenly so.
Work is interesting and fantastically detailed - but mostly just to me.
I met someone today and failed to show much interest in them.  In retrospect it seems rude of me but I was just feeling shy.
I thought of a great porn title; The King's Peach
"She had a voice like a copper violin." (This ersatz Sam Spade quote dropped into my head, at random today.)

Etc.

I could tell you so much but I have so little to say today.